Television by Losers, for Losers.

Daytime TV: The Horror . . . Maury's losers today include a 4-year old who comes in at 120 lbs., her mother and her aunt, all from my town; Saint Paul:

Here's a bit of Briana's feeding schedule, according to the show: At 10 a.m., when Briana wakes up, she eats leftovers including ribs, macaroni and cheese and an entire pizza. "And I don't stop her," says Daisy. One hour later, Briana eats breakfast, which consists of two bowls of sugary cereal, two sausages and three eggs. At 1 p.m., she consumes a bowl of noodles and six cookies. At 3 p.m., Briana eats cheeseburgers, French fries and ice cream. At 4, the menu consists of a large bowl of potato chips. At 6, four pieces of chicken with macaroni and cheese. At 7, Briana will have another big bowl of ice cream. And if she wakes up at night, she gets pizza.

They went all the way to one of the tee vee coasts for help with poor Briana, when advice was just down the street and available from me: Briana, you are a fatass, and your mother is a loser. Even though you are 4, you had better start to learn how to rely on yourself.

Oh, and make sure you learn how to blame Bush, Pawlenty, Rumsfeld, Coulter, Crawford, etc.